Three Years On … Hang on!

(Trigger warning)
Almost three years ago we bought our 8th child into the world.  It was going to be a joyous occasion … but sadly she was born not breathing.  They revived her, got her heart beating, but there was no brain activity.  She spent 11 or her 13 hours hooked up to every tube and wire there was.

On consultation with the doctors who informed us that her heart was so weak that it could give out at any time, coupled with the fact that she had no brain activity we made the gut wrenching decision to remove life support. 
After removing all the wires and tubes, dressing her and wrapping her in a blanket we were all ushered into a small room where we could be a family of 10.  We all got to cuddle her and say our goodbyes.













Now three years on ….
We are still a family of 10, but one is now forever with Jesus.  It is still not easy, it still hurts like xxxx, I still shed tears, the pain does not go away!  You learn to deal with the pain, you learn to work through the pain, you learn to live in the here and now; not the past or the future.  Not a day goes by where I do not think of her, wonder what life would be like if she were here now.  Wonder what would she be doing at three years of age.
I thought I’d never be able to pick up the pieces of my life and carry on.  I thought I’d never be able to look another new mother in the eye and say congratulations (that one is still hard).  I thought I’d never be able to smile again, never laugh again, and never live again.
But, I can!  It is a choice I make on a daily basis.  I have seven living children who need me here and now.  I want to be there for them, in the here and now.  I choose to smile, I choose to laugh and I choose to live again.
I’ll never forget Serenity and the way she changed our lives in such a short time.  I carried her for 9 months on the inside, enjoying the kicks and movements.  I held her for two short hours on the outside, bathing myself in her sweet smell her beauty.  All too soon she was gone.  Our lives will never be the same.  We know tragedy, we know death … but we also know we are strong, and we can get back up again and carry on.
 

Hang on

 by Michael Whitaker Smith;Wesley Ivan King;Matthew Bronleewe

I'm so stubborn, it's how I got here
So alone, feels like forever
Wanna swim away and breath the open air
But I feel so afraid, then I hear you say

Hang on when the water is rising
Hang on when the waves are crashing
Hang on, just don't ever let go

I'm so hungry, how can I stay here?
Starving for what I hold so dear
Like a hurricane it takes everything from me
Wake me from this dream

Hang on when the water is rising
Hang on when the waves are crashing
Hang on, just don't ever let go

Hang on when you are barely breathing
Hang on when your heart's still beating
Hang on, just don't ever let go

Three days, thirty years
So hopeless, doesn't matter
Don't say it's too late if you blink your eyes
The sun is rising, the sun is rising, oh

Hang on when the water is rising
Hang on when the waves are crashing
Hang on, just don't ever let go

Hang on when you're barely breathing
Hang on when your heart's still beating
Hang on, just don't ever let go