Closer to 50

Trigger Warning

Been thinking a lot about life lately; I think when you are closer to 50 than 40 you start to realise that if you want to do something in/with your life you better get on with it!

Three years ago, all was well with my world, then for the first time in Michael’s life he got asked to leave his job!  Not only was it his job that we lost at that time (Nov 2010) but also the house that we had just moved into 8 weeks previously.  We had made plans to stay with this job for a minimum of 18 months.  We’d talked about what we wanted to do, achieve while settled in one place.  Then, just out of the blue, and through no fault of our own, we were told we had 2 weeks to leave! 

Two weeks later, found us all packed back into the bus, and heading out on the road again feeling very dejected, lost and alone.  We had no direction, no desire to travel anywhere or do anything.  Oh and we were 4 months out from having a baby!

We drifted south to escape the heat and settled into a showgrounds with good rent and constant power, toilets and showers.  We once again had something to look forward to, we had a purpose. All was well again!

Then …. March 12, 2011 happened!  We welcomed our 8th child into this world at 9am and farewelled her at 10pm the same day.

Once again life was spinning out of my control.  We once again were drifting with no direction.  I tried to focus on keeping everyone together with some success.  I was falling apart though! 
For the next three years I have battled depression, looking for a direction for me, for my family.  I’d set goals, start out well for a day or two, then sink back down again feeling worse for not having been able to stick to what I wanted to do.

This year I have started listening to motivational speakers, like Zig Ziglar.  I have started reading motivational books.  I haven’t got back to the Bible yet, but I’m getting closer.  It is amazing how much better I feel.  I feel that I now have a purpose!  I have a direction!  I can be anything I want to be.  I feel a power within that I have not felt for a very long time.  I have started exercising again.  Started waking up and actually wanting to get out of bed!

I have set some goals, just short term goals, like, goals for tomorrow!  When I reach that goal it encourages me to set a goal for the next two days.  It’s just one small step at a time.  The last three years have passed me by, I’m glad I’m seeing that now.  As I get older, I can’t afford to have life pass me by any longer!  I plan to get up and take back what the devil has stolen from me.  Take back my life, and live the life I want to live.  Live the life I was destined to live!
 

Hold On

by Rapture Ruckus

CHORUS: [x2]
You Gotta Hold On
Help Is Coming
You Gotta Hold On
You Going To Make It Through The Rain
Through The Rain Through The Pain
Through The Fire And Flame

The Same Name I Cling To
The Same Name That Remains Forever
The Name Above All Names
Above Death And The Grave
The Name That Cures Cancer
And Gives Strength To The Lame
The Same Name That Came And Shattered My Chains
The Same Name That Will Come And Do The Same Again For You
He's Going To Come Through
Yes It's True
Jesus The Only Name That Will Pull You Through

CHORUS [x2]
'Cause He Said He'll Never Leave Us
Nor Forsake Us Man And That's The Only
Word You Need To Hold To
And You'll Never Be Lonely Homie
I Know I Ain't The Only Person Out There Hurting
Who's Flirted With Thought Of Ending It All
But Been Averted And I Know So Many Out There Who Have Had It Much Harder
They Got No Food In Their Bellies
Got No Mothers Or Fathers
So Many Questions Out There That Need Answers To But Even If It Comes Down To The Final Hour
Man He'll Still Come Through

CHORUS [x3]
If You're Waiting For A Miracle
You Gotta Hold On
You Gotta Make It Through The Rain

CHORUS [x2]
Bridge: [x2]
Through The Rain
Through The Flame
You Are The Name Above Every Name
Through The Rain
Through The Flame
Jesus The Name Above All Names

Three Years On … Hang on!

(Trigger warning)
Almost three years ago we bought our 8th child into the world.  It was going to be a joyous occasion … but sadly she was born not breathing.  They revived her, got her heart beating, but there was no brain activity.  She spent 11 or her 13 hours hooked up to every tube and wire there was.

On consultation with the doctors who informed us that her heart was so weak that it could give out at any time, coupled with the fact that she had no brain activity we made the gut wrenching decision to remove life support. 
After removing all the wires and tubes, dressing her and wrapping her in a blanket we were all ushered into a small room where we could be a family of 10.  We all got to cuddle her and say our goodbyes.













Now three years on ….
We are still a family of 10, but one is now forever with Jesus.  It is still not easy, it still hurts like xxxx, I still shed tears, the pain does not go away!  You learn to deal with the pain, you learn to work through the pain, you learn to live in the here and now; not the past or the future.  Not a day goes by where I do not think of her, wonder what life would be like if she were here now.  Wonder what would she be doing at three years of age.
I thought I’d never be able to pick up the pieces of my life and carry on.  I thought I’d never be able to look another new mother in the eye and say congratulations (that one is still hard).  I thought I’d never be able to smile again, never laugh again, and never live again.
But, I can!  It is a choice I make on a daily basis.  I have seven living children who need me here and now.  I want to be there for them, in the here and now.  I choose to smile, I choose to laugh and I choose to live again.
I’ll never forget Serenity and the way she changed our lives in such a short time.  I carried her for 9 months on the inside, enjoying the kicks and movements.  I held her for two short hours on the outside, bathing myself in her sweet smell her beauty.  All too soon she was gone.  Our lives will never be the same.  We know tragedy, we know death … but we also know we are strong, and we can get back up again and carry on.
 

Hang on

 by Michael Whitaker Smith;Wesley Ivan King;Matthew Bronleewe

I'm so stubborn, it's how I got here
So alone, feels like forever
Wanna swim away and breath the open air
But I feel so afraid, then I hear you say

Hang on when the water is rising
Hang on when the waves are crashing
Hang on, just don't ever let go

I'm so hungry, how can I stay here?
Starving for what I hold so dear
Like a hurricane it takes everything from me
Wake me from this dream

Hang on when the water is rising
Hang on when the waves are crashing
Hang on, just don't ever let go

Hang on when you are barely breathing
Hang on when your heart's still beating
Hang on, just don't ever let go

Three days, thirty years
So hopeless, doesn't matter
Don't say it's too late if you blink your eyes
The sun is rising, the sun is rising, oh

Hang on when the water is rising
Hang on when the waves are crashing
Hang on, just don't ever let go

Hang on when you're barely breathing
Hang on when your heart's still beating
Hang on, just don't ever let go

Performing in memory of

Sunday 15 September 2013 we performed in memory of our babies we have lost. 

Pregnancy Loss Australia had their annual fundraiser to raise money to assist families who have lost a baby through miscarriage, still birth or neonatal death.  When they asked for stall holders and entertainers for the event we offered our Superdog Trick Show for the event.  It was an honour to sponsor such and event.

To be able to bring joy into the lives of others who have also suffered loss or losses is a privilege.  If for 15 minutes we can make people smile, take away the pain or give them something else to focus on our show is a success.  Judging by the number of people who came over to watch, and those we spoke to after the show, I think we succeeded in our purpose.

Having suffered multiple miscarriages and a neonatal death there we lots of emotions stirred in our family too.  The girls who perform with the dogs were very keen to do this in memory of their siblings lost and especially their forever little sister Serenity who went to be with Jesus at 13 hours old on 12 March 2011.

Balloons were released at the end of the day … a very moving experience.

Not sure how much was raised in total, but it was in excess of $20,000!  Awesome effort by all involved!

Why bad things happen to good people and others!

As most of you know, in March last year we lost our very much loved and wanted baby girl at 13 hours old …

From that time we have wrestled with this question.  Why us?  We have done our best to follow God, why did He take our baby?

People have unhelpfully told us that is was because we were not following God “the right way”!  Man that hurt!  We searched our hearts over those comments!  Couldn’t make sense of them!  As far as we knew we were following God the way He wanted us to.

I have been thinking recently that God sends his rain on the just and the unjust … and he also allows the storms and the tornados too!!

This week, as I was looking through books at a second hand shop I came across “Where is God when it Hurts” by Philip Yancey.  He has some insight into why bad things happen and why it’s NOT because we have sinned and God is punishing us.

“The old testament is replete with reward punishment type of thinking and presents life in terms of this principle: “do good get rewarded, do bad get punished”.  However, I do not believe the principle applies in precisely the same way today….”

“There is a huge difference between the sufferings most of us encounter, and the suffering as punishment described in the old testament. There, punishment follows repeated warnings against specific behaviour.  To be effective, in fact, punishment requires a clear tie to behaviour…. the people of Israel knew why they were being punished; the prophets had warned them in excruciating detail…

“Biblical examples of suffering as punishment tend to fit a pattern, the pain comes after much warning and no one sits around afterward asking, “why?” They know very well why they are suffering.  Does that pattern resemble what happens to most us today? Do we get a direct revelation from God warning us of a coming catastrophe? Does personal suffering come packaged with a clear explanation from God?”

Over the past couple of months, when I’ve finally got back into reading my Bible and slowly working our way out of depression, I have taken great comfort from the book of Job.  Here we have a scene in heaven where the devil approaches God and God asks the devil if he’d thought about Job!  The devil replied that Job was a righteous man only because God had a hedge of protection around him and he couldn’t touch him!  So God removed the hedge of protection and allowed the devil to attack Job.  In one day Job went from being a rich man to having NOTHING!

Had Job sinned? Was God punishing Job?  NO!  Job had not sinned and it was not punishment!  It was showing that Job was righteous not just because God was protecting him, but Job was righteous by choice.  When he lost everything, he did not curse God!  He remained righteous!  After it was all over God blessed Job more than before!

I admit we’ve been angry with God over the death our our little girl.  I admit that I have blamed God! I admit I’m not as righteous as Job! I have asked God’s forgiveness for this and feel a peace about it.

I don’t believe God took our baby!  I don’t believe we had sinned! I don’t believe it was God punishing us!  As I said in a previous post God Absolved our guilt and took our punishment when he died on the cross!  Amen!!

 

When there was only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you.